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Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up!
Dorothy: Why did I ever let this happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk!
Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell outta me!
Rose: I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt. Well, luckily there were some druid priests who were in town for the opening of StonehengeLand. They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin. I don't know why I raised my hand.
Charlie's army buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I ever start acting like her, pull the plug!
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come and get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialled, a condom popped out. [she opens her purse] I got five of them. Here, Dorothy, a lifetime supply.
[Rose is robbed of her favourite bear by a kid]
Blanche: Now, she's just a child. You can't expect a child to give back a toy. You do understand, don't you?
Rose: Cut the crap and get back the damn bear!
Blanche: Who knows my body better than I do?
Sophia: Any man in Miami not attached to a woman or a respirator.
Blanche: This is strictly off the record, but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
[Rose is moving out, wanting to 'eat life', after a near-death-experience]
Sophia: Rose, before you go I want to give you a little advice. Sometimes in life you start out down one path. Suddenly the wind changes direction and you find yourself swimming upstream, looking for new horizons.
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell does that mean?!
Sophia: Don't get smart with me. If I was a short bald guy in a diaper spouting this gibberish, I'd be running India.
Rose: Do the minks really have to be killed?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate.
Sophia [to Blanche]: Jean is a lesbian.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche, lesbian.
Rose: Do you know that promotion I was up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh honey, don't do that. No job is worth having to date women.
Dorothy: Ma, are you awake?
Sophia: Is it morning already?
Dorothy: No, Ma. I have a question for you. What would you do if you found out one of your children was... gay?
Sophia: I know you don't get many dates, Dorothy, but stick with what you know.
Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, it's you.
Blanche: I'm simply questioning how any man could possibly choose you over me.
Dorothy: It's not working, Blanche.
Blanche: I suppose there could be some exceptions: convicts who haven't seen a woman in twenty-five years.
[Dorothy asked Rose to put an ad in the paper because she needed work, willing to do any job for eight dollars an hour. Rose made a mistake, the ad turned up in the Personals section]
Man [Rose opened the door]: Hi Dorothy, here's my eight dollars.
Rose [pointing at Dorothy]: I'm not her, she is.
Man [looking disappointed]: I'll give you four dollars.
Dorothy: How would you like your rear end kicked across the street.
Man: Oooh great, here's the other four dollars!
[Blanche interviewing Dorothy and Sophia, before they moved into the house]
Blanche: Tell me, Dorothy, would you say you are a neat person?
Dorothy: Yes, I'm neat, I'm a very neat person.
Sophia: Sure, you're neat and I wear a D-cup.
Dorothy: Ma, Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
[Sophia starts laughing]
Dorothy: Ma, it's not funny.
Sophia: The hell it's not. Jean in love with Little Miss Muffit, come on!
Dorothy: Mr. Gordon is probably over seventy by now. He's practically ancient.
Sophia: Seventy is ancient? If I met a man that age who looked half way decent, I'd be on my back before you could say 'I've fallen and I can't get up'.
Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500, and since I don't qualify for a bank loan, I'm just going to have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it! No daughter of mine is selling her stuff. It's a sin, it's a crime, and let's face it, Dorothy, lately you can't give it away.
Dorothy: Ma, I'm talking about selling some of my belongings!
Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we can also cook, sing opera, and make love.
Sophia: I'm not incompetent. Once I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.
Dorothy: Listen, mom, we cannot afford a new t.v. We're using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.
Sophia: Great, and what am I supposed to do while every old lady on the block is watching Cosby?
Dorothy: Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.
Rose: We had a pig once. All the male pigs loved her. Oh, she was very beautiful. She got pregnant, and we never knew who the father was.
Dorothy: Oh my God, Rose. What did you do on Father's Day?
[Blanche is talking to the doctor concerning her daughter's wanting to be artificially inseminated]
Blanche: Well, I have heard enough! No Devereaux has ever had to go to a bank for sperm. I certainly haven't!
Dorothy [to the doctor]: She has always relied on the kindness of strangers.
Dorothy: It is not a fly, Rose.
Rose: Spanish fly is not a fly?
Dorothy: No.
Rose: What is it?
Dorothy: It's a beetle.
Rose: They call it a fly, but it's really a beetle?
Dorothy: Yes.
Rose: How do they know it's Spanish?
Dorothy: Cause it wears a little sombrero, Rose!
Dorothy: I really like him, and I think he likes me.
Sophia: Just don't ruin it and sleep with him.
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma, I only do that with men I plan to scar psychologically.
Rose: What on earth would you do with a mechanical bull?!
Dorothy: Introduce him to a mechanical cow, Rose.
Dorothy [after hearing a dog barking in the house]: What was that?
Blanche: Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.
Dorothy: What, couldn't she just get stewmeat like she usually does?
Dorothy: Your blood pressure is up, you're tired, and you absolutely have no color.
Sophia: I'm an old white woman. I'm not supposed to have color.
[At a dance marathon]
Blanche: Well, have fun and try not to overdo it.
Dorothy: Blanche, what's that supposed to mean?
Blanche: It's just that these things can be a little strenuous for a woman of your years.
Dorothy: Who am I, Mamie Eisenhower? I can last just as long as you can.
Blanche: Dorothy please, I think I do have a little more endurance than you.
Dorothy: Blanche, we are not dancing on our backs.
Blanche: Wasn't it sweet, opening his closet and seeing his boxers hanging there with that provocative nickname on them.
Dorothy: Blanche, Everlast is a brandname, not a nickname.
Dorothy: Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit.
Stanley: You know, for two cents
Dorothy: You could buy a better toupet?
Dorothy: Now look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.
Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.
[Blanche, speaking about an autograph of Arnold Schwarzenegger]
Rose: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.
Blanche: Dorothy, they're adults, adults can do whatever they want to.
Rose: Not necessarily, adults are not allowed to ride the little horsey in front of the A&P.
Blanche: Rose, Ted's coming over later and I don't want that dog making a big mess, he's already been into my personal things.
Rose: Well, maybe we should get him some rubber toys.
Blanche: They do seem to be his preference.
Ted: I do hate hotels.
Blanche: I know, the way they charge you for the whole night, when you're only there a few hours. Uhm... my roommate Dorothy told me that, she's a slut.
Dorothy: After a while you feel like you're in this gigantic black hole.
Rose: We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: Oh God!
Rose: Right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license. And our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely hole, everybody in town would stand around and look in it.
Dorothy: And they say Hollywood's the entertainment capital of the world.
Rose: Well, we didn't just look, sometimes we'd point too. Or spit, and time it. And then there's that one guy who unzips himself...
Blanche: Dorothy, did you ever have some secret desire you always kept on the back burner?
Dorothy: Yes, I always wanted to try a nudist camp.
Clerk at the trainstation: Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Dorothy: Don't you have a cousin you should be dating?
Dorothy: Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?
Rose: The chain.
Blanche: An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?
Rose: Well, that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bossom.
Blanche: Yes, but the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge spare tire, jutting out over those square manly hips.
Dorothy: Why don't I just wear a sign that says: too ugly to live?
Blanche: Fine, but what are you gonna hang it from, the chain or the pearls?
Dorothy: Neither, I'm gonna spray paint it on my hump!
Rose: Penny for your thoughts, Sophia.
Sophia: You're stupid, and that's on the house.
Blanche [to Dorothy]: I was a lonely child, my sisters refused to play with me because I was so beautiful. Do you know what that's like? No, of course you don't.
Sophia: If I know my pussycat, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.
Rose: You're going back to Shady Pines?
[Sophia opens the door, expecting to see Blanche's gorgeous daughter, who's a model]
Sophia [to Dorothy and Rose]: What did she model, car covers?
Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother.
Rose: It's just that we didn't expect you to be this fat.
[The Girls are in jail for prostitution, Sophia visits them]
Blanche: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia: I know that, I can't believe these dumb cops would think that anybody would pay money to sleep with ya.
[Dorothy, after giving Sophia a driving lesson]
Blanche: Dorothy, why is your lipstick all smeared?
Dorothy: I just kissed our driveway.
Sophia: Play it safe, stay with this curse.
Dorothy: Ma, I've stayed with you all these years.
Blanche: Dorothy, what do you think I oughta do with my bed?
Dorothy: Put it in the Smithsonian, Blanche. It's got more miles on it than the Spirit of St. Louis.
Rose: I would have died if I'd ever caught my parents having sex.
Dorothy: You never walked in on them?
Rose: Once. But they were only playing leap-frog.
[After Blanche has been out shopping]
Blanche: I would have called you, girls, but all they had left were petites.
Dorothy: So what did you buy, shoes?
Blanche: So there I am in ladies petite, when this salesman walks over and says, Excuse me, ma'am, I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Personally I'd like to see you in the backless.' And I said, When?' And he said, How about Saturday night?' And I said, How about in your dreams, sleazo!' Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Rose: What were you doing in ladies petite?
Rose: Just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Sophia: Rose, you're too hard on yourself, I know people who think you're dumb over the phone.
Sophia: Pussycat, I have a hypothetical question for you. Let's say, a man wants to take you out on a date...
Dorothy: Why is that hypothetical?
Sophia: Check your calendar, pussycat.
Rose [to Dorothy]: You said you were going to make 'em suffer. Don't you have to date a man to do that?
Dorothy [to Rose]: Listen, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?
Rose: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.
Blanche [to Dorothy]: If I weren't a lady, I'd deck you.
Dorothy: You try it, I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.
[Dorothy, looking for Sophia]
Dorothy: Has she come down yet?
Rose: Who?
Dorothy: Amelia Earhart, Rose!
Dorothy: Stan and I had very little marriage relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.
Rose: You mean, it grows back?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose, he's a lizard!
Alma: Sophia, what time does that mall close, I feel like getting wild, I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear.
Sophia: Nah, it rides up on me.
Blanche: Now look, Dorothy, I'm worried too. Sophia's like a mother to me, if we don't find her, I don't know how I'll respond. But I'd like to think I'm not gonna be any less sexy.
Dorothy: You're just a great big pile of estrogen, aren't you?
Dorothy: Blanche, what's the matter?
Blanche: You know, that attorney I've been dating? I just caught him handling melons at the A&P.
Dorothy: And I take it they weren't yours.
Rose: Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep.
Sophia: Please, I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I was seventy.
Rose: I shouldn't complain, I mean four nights is nothing compared to Elsie Uterudn back in St. Olaf. She stayed awake for seventeen straight days in a rocking chair marathon. Of course she couldn't have done it without the moral support of her children, and her husband, and his cattle prod.
Blanche: Tramp!
Dorothy: I, I am a tramp?! Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? See the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux. Join the army, Be All You Can Be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux. The marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!
Blanche: Just what are you trying to imply?
Dorothy: Slut!
Blanche: Trash!
Rose: Now girls, settle down before you say something you'll both regret.
Dorothy: Rose, what are you listening to?
Rose: A relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me.
Dorothy: Is it working?
Rose: Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.
[Blanche is dancing with Dorothy's date]
Dorothy: Look at the way Blanche is nuzzling up to him, I'm not going to take this lying down!
Sophia: I don't think you're gonna be invited.
Rose: Sophia, am I the only one here who feels like ripping her clothes off and doing the hokey pokey?
Sophia: No, Rose, I think they're just waiting for someone to get them started.
Rose: I have a steady boyfriend, so unfortunately I'm not available. That is unless you like jazz.
Doug: Well, I've got Glenn Miller back at my place.
Rose: Does he like jazz?
Rose: Sit down, Sophia, you must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why, I rode in the cab, I didn't push it.
Blanche: Why Sophia, how nice to see you.
Sophia: Who are you?
Blanche: It's me, Blanche.
Sophia: You look like a prostitute.
Sophia: I could see the finish line, it was only two, three hundred yards away, and then it happened, what every runner dreads, I hit the wall.
Dorothy: Oh Ma, you ran out of steam.
Sophia: No, I actually hit a wall. They put up a new Wendy's on Collin's Avenue.
Rose: Being abandoned is the worst. I should know, I was almost abandoned.
Dorothy: Almost?
Rose: I was nine, and it was the night of the deep root vegetable carnival, and I was having the greatest time. Guessing how many sweet potatoes were in the glass jar, bobbing for yams... I had a knack of always coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.
Blanche: I was once told I had the firmest, most appealing yams.
Dorothy: Blanche, try and stay with us.
Rose: Anyway, the last time I surfaced, clinching a real humdinger in my teeth, my parents were gone. Well, frantically I searched the carnival grounds, I was convinced I'd spend the rest of my days with the bearded lady as my foster mother. And the man who hoses down the elephants as my dad. But then I did what generations before me had done, I looked up into the dark night sky and followed the bright star that could guide me home.
Dorothy: The north star.
Rose: Actually it was the Texaco star. From the service station across the street, our farm was just down the road from it.
Dorothy: Rose honey, have you been washing the fruit before you eat it?
Blanche: C'mon, Rose.
Rose: What about I Love Lucy?
Blanche: We'll watch it on the portable in the kitchen.
Rose: But that set's black and white.
Stan: Hello, mama bear. Papa bear's back in the cave.
Dorothy: I could vomit just looking at you.
Stan: My kid brother still looks up to me.
Dorothy: Well, he should, after all Ted is just a doctor and a pillar of his community. While on the other hand you were the king of padded toilet seats.
Stan: They sold real well for a while, they even put our daughter through college.
Sophia: They got me through some tough times, too.
Stan: You see, babe, it's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley, you're a horse's ass.
Dorothy: Rose, what about that guy you dated last summer? The one who played Goofy at Disney World.
Rose: I remember the passion, yes.
Dorothy: Do you know why it didn't work out?
Rose: It just didn't.
Dorothy: Right, but why not?
Rose: I don't wanna talk about it.
Blanche: Rose, we're all adults, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Rose: Well, he took off the Goofy head.
Dorothy: He took off the Goofy head... See, that's not so bad.
Rose: What's the matter, Sophia? You couldn't sleep either?
Sophia: No, I was sleeping great, Rose. I just wanted to show off my pajamas.
Dorothy: Why don't we show Mr. Vaughn around the theatre.
Blanche: Well, why don't I show you around, since I have had the most experience performing here.
Dorothy: The parking lot doesn't count, Blanche.
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone. Day or night.
Blanche: Dorothy, where is my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: If this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.
Blanche: Do you know how it feels to have someone not believe you?
Rose: I sure do, back in St.
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story!
Rose: I wanna tell one!
Blanche: Dorothy?
Dorothy: God, this is a no-win situation, but go ahead, Blanche.
Rose: Fine! You might never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I was wrong, this isn't a no-win situation!
Blanche: Well, that's a tour of my home, Madam Zelda.
Madam Zelda: Did a nurse die in this house?
Blanche: No, why do you say that?
Madam Zelda: I am getting strong visions of a woman in a nurse's uniform, writhing and screaming whilst a man leans over her.
Blanche: Well, if that was last Wednesday, it was me and the man I'm currently dating, but it was a French maid's uniform.
Blanche: Am I a terrible person?
Rose [she's half asleep]: I don't know. Who are you?
Blanche: It's me. Blanche.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, you're not a terrible person. You're just horny all the time.
Dorothy: Ma, I'm taking the dress back to the mall.
Sophia: So?
Dorothy: So I'm sorry for what I said earlier, and I'd really like it if you came along and helped me pick out another one. What do you say?
Sophia: What do I say? I'm your mother, Dorothy. I was there for you when you needed a communion dress, I was there for you when you needed a prom dress, I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress, and frankly, I'm sick of it. Buy your own damn dress!
Blanche: By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other body organs?
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.
Blanche: Rose, what was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much make-up and that you were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.
Rose: I remember the last time I tried to give a speech. I was in high school. You want to hear about it?
Blanche: Would you follow us if we tried to make a run for it?
Rose: Yes.
Sophia [after Rose finished the story]: Next time I say we try to out run her.
Dorothy: You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn't know that people actually talked back to their Rice Krispies.
Rose: How did you set off the alarm?
Dorothy: Cigarette.
Rose: Oh, no thank you. I don't smoke. Now how did you set off the alarm?
Dorothy: I smoked a cigarette, you amoeba!
Sophia [to the other Girls]: What are you doing?
Rose: We're having a group hug.
Sophia: Well, knock it off. The neighbours will get the wrong idea.
Blanche: Oh, hello girls. Dorothy, Rose, you all remember Laszlo?
Rose: Of course. Laszlo, the artist from your museum. Oh, we really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
Laszlo: I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Rose: We sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Laszlo: Really, Dorothy?
Dorothy: No, I didn't...
Rose: Yes, you did. You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime.
Blanche: That doesn't say 'bed'! Those are my initials: Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
[Blanche is showing Dorothy and Sophia the house for the first time]
Blanche: This is the lanai. It's wonderful in the summertime, especially if you like to sunbathe with your top off.
Dorothy: Oh really, and the neighbours can't see in?
Blanche: Oh, sure they can. [she leads the way inside]
Sophia: The woman has 'slut' embroidered on her underwear.
Blanche [at Christmas]: Well Rose, it's a beautiful blouse.
Rose: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you would like something crotchless.
Blanche: Why, Derek! Did I just hear you ask me on a date?
Sophia [from the kitchen]: Are you deaf, I heard it from here!
Karl [dating Rose and asking her about Miles, who is in a witness-protection-program because of Karl]: Who is this guy, what does he do, where is he now?
Rose: I wish I could tell you, but I really don't know anything about him anymore. When I knew him he was a professor at a college.
Karl: That's hard to believe.
Rose: Well, it's one of the few places they have professors.
Karl: No. Yeah. No, I know that. I meant, I can't believe he left someone like you.
Rose: He left someone else like me?
Karl: No. I mean... you... that he left YOU.
Rose: Oh... Okay.
Karl: I should be more clear.
Rose: That would be great... Listen, check with me later about the weekend, I just want to be sure I'm ready, and that it's right.
Karl: I'll give you a ring.
Rose: I can't accept jewelry.
Karl: I mean... I'll call you soon... [Rose frowns] ...I mean, I'll call you... Rose... soon. And the phone... will ring. [Karl, rolling his eyes, walks off]
Rose: He really understands me.
Blanche: One thing I know is I haven't lost my hour glass figure.
Dorothy: But it looks like someone poured about ninety minutes extra sand into it.
Blanche [in reference to the housekeeper they are about to fire]: But she's making me a love potion!
Dorothy: Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!
[Another break-down of the Girls' airconditioning]
Blanche: This heat's driving me crazy.
Repair man: You're not the only one the old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear.
Dorothy: There's no old lady living........MA!
Sophia: Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: I'm making omelets without the egg yolks to cut down on cholesterol, but then I'm left with all these yolks that I don't want to throw away so I'm giving them to the homeless.
Sophia: Fine, give them to the homeless. They'll have heart attacks; they won't need homes. Rose, your heart is in the right place, but I don't know where the hell your brain is.
Blanche: You know, girls, we are going on a romantic cruise with Jeff, Rich and Randy, and we may need to bring... you know... protection.
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: Two armed guards, Rose. No, Blanche was talking about what's over there, those... [points to a counter]
Rose: A Hershey bar?
Dorothy: Over one.
Rose: A pack of gum?
Dorothy: To the left.
Rose: Hair dye?
Dorothy: CONDOMS, Rose, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Rose: Back in St. Olaf we would settle a dispute like this with some good old-fashioned log rolling.
Dorothy: Sorry, Rose. My log is in the shop.
Rose [ready to tell one of her stories]: I remember the time when
Dorothy: Excuse me Rose, do I have the time to go run out and get hit by a bus?
Blanche: I'm completely honest with you, my life is an open book.
Sophia: Your life is an open sports page.
[During a rainstorm]
Blanche: The rain always reminds me of my first kiss.
Rose: Oh Blanche, you had your first kiss in the rain?
Blanche: No, in the shower.
Stan: Hey Sophia, you're looking younger and more beautiful than ever.
Sophia: And may I say that's a beautiful toupet you're wearing? There, now we're both lying!
Dorothy: I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades!
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?!
[Rose is accepted into an unauthorized Elvis fan club, and she, Dorothy and Blanche are having a meeting]
Blanche: Well, ladies, this concludes our hunka hunka burning love fan club meeting. But before we adjourn, our vice president has something to show to us all... a genuine Elvis artefact!
Rose [shows it]: It's a partially eaten pork chop. [passes it down] He had beautiful teeth, didn't he?
Dorothy: This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop! [starts laughing]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club. Meeting adjourned, ladies, see you next week.
[After a few seconds]
Blanche: Well, I hope you're not too upset, Dorothy.
Rose: Any derogatory remarks against the king are grounds for immediate expulsion.
Dorothy: I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club! I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life! I mean, there must be a support group for people like me!
Blanche's boyfriend [thinking her grand-daughter is her own baby]: Isn't she the most beautiful mother you've ever seen?
Sophia: Grand! Just GRAND!
[Dorothy bites into a chocolate]
Sophia: What'd you get?
Dorothy: I'm not sure, it tastes like coconut, and it's white, but there's a red ring around the outside.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. That's my lipstick. I don't like coconut.
Dorothy: Have another chocolate, Ma. Your doctor was just kidding when he said you have high blood pressure.
Rose: You... you... you rude person!
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.
Blanche: Dorothy! I've just been speaking to that good looking reporter over there who just got back from Russia, and he told me some very interesting things. It snows there in the summertime, and they don't have many attractive women do you realize what this means? When we go to Russia I will have my pick of any man in the country and you can make a snowman in June!
Dorothy: If I had lived with Stan before we got married, it would have saved me from some painful memories, and a bitter divorce.
Sophia: And you might possibly have given birth to reasonable attractive children.
Rose: I haven't been with a man in that... special way since Charlie died.
Blanche: Get outta here!
Rose: It's true! Charlie is the only man I've ever slept with, and my first time was on our wedding night.
Blanche: GET OUTTA HERE!
Dorothy: Oh back off, Blanche! Not all of us are classified by the navy as a friendly port!
Detective: I failed to protect my client, but I am determined with your help to solve these crimes and bring the murderers to justice.
Rose: Maybe that bloody dagger will lead us to the murder weapon!
Detective: St. Olaf?
Rose: Oh boy, he is good!
[...]
Detective: But obviously her husband was shot.
Rose: Then there must be a gun!
Detective: Southside?
Rose: Uncanny!
Dorothy: Ma, I don't snore!
Sophia: Please, I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!
Rose: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?
Sophia: What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: 'Thank God, the water's here'? Call me when dinner is ready.
Sophia: I can't eat chicken, it repeats on me.
Dorothy: Look Ma, you don't have to make excuses, if you don't want chicken, just say 'I don't want chicken'.
Sophia: I don't want chicken.
Dorothy: Good.
Sophia: It repeats on me.
Blanche: I feel like I am in a bad dream. But I know I'm not dreaming, because there are no boy dancers.
Rose: I don't drink before bed time. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never had that problem, never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork at 7 a.m. I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8.
Blanche: And this is Sophia.
Harry: Well, you must be Blanche's sister.
Sophia: You must be blind.
Blanche: Sophia's home just burned down.
Harry: Oh, that's terrible.
Sophia: Not to me, it was a retirement home. Do you know what they do? They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers. The other half can't get out of their chairs. They got bells going off like crazy. Do you know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty.
Sophia: Alright, alright, I can take a hint. Picture it...
Dorothy: Ma, you're not gonna tell a story, are you?
Sophia: No, I'm gonna do shadow puppets. [does one] See... an elephant eating a peanut. Of course I'm gonna tell a story.
Blanche: I have been had.
Dorothy: I know. And you still didn't get the part.
[The Girls at a Mystery Weekend. Dorothy is about to unravel the case]
Dorothy: I think I see now how it happened. Last evening, at dinner, when Miss McLynn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbit her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...
Sophia: Big deal, I took a whole plate
Dorothy: Not NOW, MA!
[The Girls' roof is leaking. Dorothy and Rose are laying down towels on the living room floor. Blanche walks in]
Rose: Dorothy, here are some more towels.
Blanche: Oh, you can't use that towel!
Rose: Which one? The one with the two naked people being swept off in the sand?
Blanche: Yes! That's my Cabana Club beach towel!
Dorothy: Blanche, this is an emergency!
Blanche: There are just too many fond memories attached to this
towel!
Dorothy: Blanche! I am in no mood to hear about the endless acts of sexual encounters that you experienced up and down the Florida coastline with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold wet sand!
Blanche: I carried my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel!
Dorothy: You are lying...
Blanche: Damn, you're good!
Blanche: How do I look, girls?
Rose: Great!
Blanche: How about sexy?
Rose: Oh yes!
Blanche: And sensual?
Dorothy: Let me handle this, Rose... Blanche, no woman has ever
looked better than you do right now and no one ever will!
Blanche [smiling]: Why thank you, Dorothy!... My goodness, Rose, I swear sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get a little compliment out of you.
Sophia: Picture it, Sardinia 1945...
Blanche: But I thought all these stories of yours took place in Sicily?
Sophia: Can't a person go away for the weekend?!
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be shopping with Rose.
Rose: She tricked me, Dorothy!
Dorothy: No!
Dorothy: What's wrong, Ma?
Sophia: Esther Weinstock, my best friend from when I was in Brooklyn, died.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry. How'd she die?
Sophia: She was fighting an oil rig fire in Mexico! She was eighty-eight!
Rose: Well, at least she was able to work right until the end.
[A plummer delivered a toilet and has put it inside, near the front door]
Sophia [enters the kitchen]: Dorothy, you're a genius!
Dorothy: What do you mean, Ma?
Sophia: I walk into the living room and there is a toilet right in front of
the television set... It's an old ladies' dream!
Rose: What's gonna happen when there is only one of us left?
Sophia: Don't worry. I can take care of myself.
Rose: I don't understand.
Dorothy: You should have that printed on a T-shirt.
Sophia [offended]: Oh, Ma doesn't get a say, it doesn't matter what Ma thinks, Ma is a piece of furniture who has no feelings or opinions!
Dorothy: Nonsense!, my little hat-rack.
Blanche: You're jealous of me. Admit it.
Dorothy: Blanche, there is a man leaving in ten minutes. Be under him.
[Blanche's gay brother Clayton has a policeman-friend]
Rose: I'll bet he does undercover work!
Sophia: And I'll bet he does it very well.
Dorothy: You stole the pope's ring?
Sophia: Hey, this is my shot at getting into the bible.
Dorothy: Ma, the bible is a done deal. [about the ring:] Something so old and rich in history, it even makes you look middle aged.
Rose: I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die. [pause] I said I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die.
Dorothy: And it was worth repeating.
[Rose lost Blanche's earrings]
Rose: Blanche, I feel just awful about this.
Blanche: Oh, just forget about it, Rose. I never intended to keep those earrings my entire life. Like my Mama did. And my Grandmama. And my Great-grandmama. Who fashioned those earrings herself from the Civil War bullets that killed Great-granddaddy.
[...]
Rose: For one week I am going to be your personal videnfrcken.
Blanche: Can one woman do that for another?
Dorothy: Only if they're the same height. What the hell is a widenflgen?!
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, have I got the man for you!
Dorothy: No thanks. Had one.
Sophia: How long is this story? I'm eighty, I have to plan.
Mr. Allen: Goodbye Mrs. Petrillo, sorry you didn't have the opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition, a magnificent pair of Gauguins.
Sophia: What, are you a pervert?! I was married for forty-five years, I never even saw my husband's gauguins!
Rose: Whenever a new family would move into St. Olaf, we'd all hop on the tractor and ride out to the new neighbour's farm, thirty or forty of us carrying smoked fish and big pitchers full of freshly squeezed potato juice, while cousin Dag played 'Getting To Know You' through the hole in his windpipe.
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, did you ever accompany him through the hole in your HEAD?!
Sophia: Dorothy, I don't like you being taken advantage of by some guy out of town. At least when Blanche does it, it's good for tourism.
Station manager: Excuse me, can I get your attention, please, I'd like to clear the air.
Sophia: Don't look at me, I haven't had a raw vegetable in six months.
Sophia [after affronting Dorothy]: No offence, pussycat.
Dorothy: None TAKEN, you cankerous little prune!
Sophia: Maybe the paper boy is right. I'm just a mean old lady!
Blanche [to Nancy, the receptionist]: Nancy, honey, I wasn't going to tell you who I am, but you really leave me no other choice... I am Miss Angie Dickinson!
Nancy: You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me.
Blanche: I know, I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role.
Dorothy: Yes, about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain.
Dorothy: What is it this time, Stanley? Whoopie cushions for the hearing impaired?
Sophia: Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy, watching the kids playing stickball on the corner...
Dorothy: Ma, they were beating a man.
Dorothy: We don't have that kind of money.
Wendel [the auditor]: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy: Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!
Sophia: My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Filling sandbags, Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming!
Dorothy: A-coming?!
Sophia: That's right. People only use the 'a' when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing, so grab a sack and start a-shoveling!
Dorothy: Ma, there is no hurricane a-coming.
Sophia: Don't patronize me!
Dorothy: I'm not patronizing you, I'm a-mocking you!
Dorothy: We know dieting is hard, we've all been there. I remember the time Stan and I went on a weight loss through sex diet, the idea being every time you felt hungry you'd substitute food with some sexual activity.
Blanche: Did it work?
Dorothy: I gained eighteen pounds!
Dorothy: Blanche could be in a coma, but put a man within five miles, she would roll over and shave her legs.
[Blanche gives the Girls their Christmas presents]
Rose: The Men of Blanche's Boudoir.
Blanche: It's a calendar. Each month has the photo of a man who's brought special joy into my life.
Dorothy: Oh honey, that's really thoughtful... WHOAH!
Blanche: September?
Dorothy: Yep.
Sophia: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October!
Dorothy [to Rose]: So you're five years older, so am I, so is Blanche. Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles, so do I, so does Blanche. Okay, so you're a little thicker around the middle, so is Blanche.
Rose: I haven't had such bad advice since my drama teacher told me I'd be perfect for the lead of The King & I. So stupid here shaves her head and doesn't get the part.
Blanche: I just love thinking about the two of 'em together. So cute!
Dorothy: Thinking about your breasts again, Blanche?
Dorothy: I have a date.
Blanche: With a man?
Dorothy: No, Blanche, with a venus fly trap!
Rose: I think you've been ditched.
Blanche: Now, did I ask you? If I want advice on getting ditched, I'll ask an expert. Dorothy, did I get ditched?
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but don't feel bad. Look what it's done for Sonny Bono.
Blanche: Then it's finally happened... I cannot believe it, I have lost it, haven't I...
Sophia [just entered the kitchen]: In more backseats than any woman I know.
[The Girls coming through the front door after a trip]
Rose [singing]: Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of beer... you take one down, pass it along, two bottles of beer on the wall... Well, I'm off to bed!
Dorothy: TWO BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL?! Rose, you stopped at two bottles of beer?!
Rose: Yeah, it just drives you nuts, doesn't it? Good night!
Sophia: I may not have your gift for words, or your ability to make small children weep...
Dorothy: But...
Sophia: Or your butt either, thank you...
Blanche: I wish Sophia was my mother. Then I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines.
Dorothy: Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart-to-heart with my mother. [she turns to Sophia] Now listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey!
Blanche: Now, Rose, put yourself in my position.
Rose [after a few seconds]: I'm not limber enough!
Dorothy: Look, I'm not gonna get a hearing-aid, and that's all that there's to it.
Blanche: But Dorothy, you are always the one who is talking about aging with dignity?
Dorothy: I really don't want to hear this, okay?!
Sophia: Good news, you can't!
Blanche: If only I could do something to make myself less attractive...
Sophia: Try soap and water.
[Rose is using her nose to play a tune on a tiny piano, designed for a chicken. Dorothy walks in, sees that]
Dorothy: Rose, do you know off-hand if nine-one-one is the number to call for a strait jacket?
Rose: Dorothy, I can explain...
Dorothy: I know you can, that's the scary part!
Dorothy [to Sophia]: You are a furry gnome and we feed you too much!
Rose: I'm excited for you too, Dorothy, that's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Blanche: Cheese and crackers, Rose... Not eggsgeflffen? Ham and gnterhgens? Pigsusvngeblten?
Rose: No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!
Dorothy: Yes Rose, you are the smartest person in the world... Burger World!
Rose [singing]: 'Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice'.
Dorothy: Thrice, Rose, who the hell says thrice?!
Rose: It's a word...
Dorothy: So is intra-uterine, but you don't put that in a song.
Rose: 'Miami you are cuter than, an intra-uterine'!
Sophia [to Rose]: There's nothing to fear but fear itself... And of course the bogeyman.
[Dorothy hurt her foot while dancing, a tumour resulted from it]
Dorothy: The doctor says I have to have surgery.
Rose: Surgery, what for?
Dorothy: For KICKS, Rose!
[Stan enters the kitchen]
Stan: Hey girls, you really should keep that back door locked, any idiot could walk in.
Sophia: Any idiot just did.
Rose: You girls were right about getting Miles on my turf! Oh Blanche, and I'm really grateful for you steering the table-talk to things I know about.
Blanche: Well, you oughta be, it wasn't that easy working natural fertilizer into the dinner conversation.
Dorothy: I know Blanche Devereaux, lieutenant, and this tramp is incapable of murder.
Blanche [talking about Rose's cousin Sven]: I know how to turn men on, I just don't know how to turn them off... Dorothy, you talk to him.
Dorothy: Oh come on Blanche, remember, we just want to turn him off, not drain the sex drive completely out of him!
[Rose explains how her husband died while they were having sex]
Rose: I wondered why he kept saying: 'I'm going, I'm going.'
Clayton: Blanche, we're getting married.
Rose: Well, that's impossible, Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters... Oh, that's right, you're from the South.
Sophia [to Blanche]: Oh shut up, you human mattress!
Sophia [talking to a doctor after being informed that Dorothy's illness may be mental]: Well, let me tell you something, Mr. hundred percent tip-top mental. My daughter may not be a spring chicken, and her jaw may crack when she chews, and she may have noticable trouble digesting raw vegetables, but the one thing she's not, is mental!
Blanche: I never tell men about my past.
Rose: Why not?
Blanche: It takes too long.
Dorothy: Ma, I cannot believe, all these years you've been hoarding away all this money!
Sophia: Dorothy, please. That money is for my old age.
Dorothy: OLD AGE? Ma, you don't leave fingerprints anymore!
Dorothy: Well, what about Ma? We'll have to get her a sitter.
Blanche: No-no-no. No more sitters. We're still in litigation with the last one.
Sophia: Hey, she bit me first!
Sophia: Dorothy, do we know anyone named Cecilia?
Dorothy: Yes, Ma, she's your cousin. She only has weeks to live.
Sophia: Oooh. Okay then, next time I'll accept the charges.
Blanche: Oh, Big Daddy, he's a very special man. He has truly been a father to everybody in our town.
Rose: Your mother must have been a very forgiving woman.
Sophia: Was that a plumber?
Dorothy: No, Ma. It was a little Girl Scout selling Girl Scout Toilet Seats.
Blanche [to Dorothy]: Did you know that if you blow directly onto the tip of a man's ear lobe, it will drive him absolutely crazy?... Let me show you.
Sophia [enters the living room and sees Blanche doing that]: I'm gonna be dead in twenty-four hours. You could've at least stayed in the closet until then!
[Dorothy's friend from High School, Trudy McMahon, is coming to visit her in Miami for their class reunion]
Rose: You sound excited, Dorothy!
Dorothy: I am, I am! But mostly it's about seeing Trudy again! Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon!
Sophia: Hehehehehe...
Dorothy: What, Ma?
Sophia: Oh, nothing. My underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.
Dorothy: Lying? Why do you think I'm lying?
Sophia: 'A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon'? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom night 1946!
Rose: Why? What happened?
Sophia: I don't know! I'm that somebody!
Dorothy: No, I think what Ma is referring to is a little practical joke Trudy played on me. All of us on the tennis team decided that we would wear our tennis whites to the Prom. Well, I showed up and I was the only one!
[Blanche and Rose laugh]
Blanche: Ohhhhh! Your date must've been horrified!
Sophia: No. Her brother was a really good sport about it.
[After Blanche comes home from dinner with Rose's cousin Sven, and Rose finds out that Blanche kissed Sven only to make another guy jealous]
Rose: I cannot believe you did that to that innocent young boy!
Blanche: Well, look on the bright side, at least he got to kiss me!
Dorothy: Blanche, more people have kissed you than they've kissed the Pope's ring.
Blanche: I am so tired, but I'm too tired to sleep... I may never sleep again!
[Rose and Dorothy look at Blanche as she stares at Rose's bag of egg yolks on the counter]
Blanche: Why, I must be hallucinatin', I see little balls of sunshine in a bag!
Blanche: Tell me something, girls, am I competent in what I do?
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd say you're damn near spectacular!
[Sophia comes walking into the living room with a stereo]
Sophia: Listen up, girls! I've got the perfect act for the talent show. I've taken a classic and re-worked it Sophia-style.
[Piano music begins to play]
Sophia [singing]: Thanks for the medicare! For Blue Cross and Blue Shield! For a hip that's finally healed! Remember, on prescriptions, Generic is a steal! We thank you, so much!
Sophia: Okay, girls, don't hold back, I can take it. Tell me what you think!
Blanche: Depressin'.
Dorothy: Awful.
Rose: Stinky!
Sophia: Go to hell all of you!
[Rose told Dorothy that Blanche's brother Clayton is hiding he's gay]
Sophia: Why won't you tell me, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Because it's none of your business, Ma.
Sophia: Fine. But you can't keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo. Whatever it is, I can find it out with a few quick questions.
Clayton [walks into the kitchen]: Hello, ladies.
Sophia: So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather so far?
Clayton: I think it's lovely.
Sophia: I see... Have you ever been to Europe?
Clayton: No, but it's always been a dream of mine.
Sophia: Okay... How many fingers am I holding up?
Clayton: Two.
Sophia: Okay, you can go in the living room now.
[After Clayton left the kitchen]
Sophia: The man is as gay as a picnic basket!
Dorothy: Ma, that's incredible! How did you know?
Sophia: I heard him singing in the shower. He's the only man who knows all the words to 'Send in the Clowns'.
Rose: Didn't you ever do the bills, Dorothy?
Dorothy: No, Stanley always did. He always had to take his clothes off to count to twenty-one.
[Dorothy walks into the living room and sits down beside Blanche who's eating her Chips Ahoy! while laughing goofily]
Dorothy: You're in a good mood, aren't you, Blanche?
Blanche: Oh Dorothy, you always could see right through me!
Sophia: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy! and Superman couldn't see right through you.
[Dorothy walks back to Sophia's bedroom to check on her after her encounter with enemy Max Winestock, in which Max told Sophia that Sal had lied to her, and gambled away all the money, while she had believed that Max had been the one who had done it. Dorothy opens the door]
Dorothy: Oh my God!
[Rose and Blanche jump up from the couch in the living room and come running back to Dorothy. They see Sophia in bed with Max]
Rose: Oh my God!
Blanche: Oh my God!
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell is going on here?!
Sophia: Afterglow!
[After their honeymoon, Sophia and Max stay in the Girls' house. Dorothy is in the shower. Sophia enters]
Sophia: Dorothy?
Dorothy: Out in a minute, Ma.
[Sophia leaves. A moment later Max comes in, takes off his bath robe, and gets in the shower, Dorothy unsuspecting this]
Max: Okay honey, it's time to play 'Connect the Freckles'.
Dorothy: Not now, Max, could you hand me the... AAAHHHH!
[The other Girls, hearing the scream, enter]
Sophia: Dorothy?... AAAHHHH!
Blanche: AAAHHHH!
Rose: AAAHHHH!
Sophia: What the hell is going on here?!
Max: There's been some mistake. I thought Sophia was in the shower. Somebody hand me my glasses, I'm blind as a bat without them. [he puts them on] ...AAAHHHH!
Dorothy: Oh shut up, Max!
[Doorbell rings. Dorothy answers to the door]
Stan: Hi, sweetiepie!
Dorothy: Hello, cupcake. [slams the door in his face]
[Doorbell rings again; Dorothy opens the door]
Stan: You always did know how to slam a door in my face.
Dorothy: Oh, you flatter me. [slams the door in his face again]
Stan [from behind the door]: Dorothy, I know you're in there...
[Dorothy opens the door again]
Dorothy: Yes, I am. [slams the door in his face]
Stan: Dorothy... [he opens the door and walks in], I came here to tell you something.
Dorothy: If you came here to apologize for ruining our marriage, no thanks.
Stan: I already did. No, it's something more important than that.
[Sophia walks into the living room]
Sophia: Oh God, he's proposing again! Dorothy, I hope you're smarter now, not to accept the yutz's proposal!
Stan: No, see, my uncle died and left us an apartment building. We're business partners, Dorothy. Isn't it great?
Dorothy: Sorry Stan, but I'm not interested.
Stan: But...
Dorothy: OUT!
Stan: Fine, but you'll realize that I'm the most important person in your life! [he walks out]
Dorothy: Three... two... one.
[Stan opens the door]
Stan: Am I?
Dorothy: Goodbye, Stanley!
[Blanche's High School heart-throb, Ham, has come to see her in Miami. He's gotten way fatter since the last time she saw him. She's staring at him in a strange way]
Ham: I can see why you're so surprised to see me. There's a little more of me.
Sophia: Tell me about it. The man is covering half the pictures on the wall!
Sophia [lost her glasses]: Dorothy, I'm going to my bedroom.
Dorothy: Okay [she walks from the living room to the kitchen. Sophia heads in the wrong direction, goes outside instead. A horn beeps and tires screech]
Dorothy [running in again]: Ma?... Ma?!... MA!
Sophia [coming through the front door]: Who the hell parked their Buick in my bedroom?!
Dorothy: Get in here!
Rose was dating Dr. Jonathan Newman, a psychiatrist from the Grief Centre. Blanche asked her to bring him over for dinner so they could meet him. Rose wasn't happy when Blanche went behind her back to invite Dr. Newman over, and the Girls couldn't understand why.
That evening a knock came to the door and a dwarf guy was standing there. Blanche shut the door on him, thinking it was a little boy asking for something. He knocked at the door again and this time Dorothy answered.
Dr. Newman: Hello, I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman.
Dorothy: Are you absolutely sure?
Dr. Newman: You must be Dorothy, Rose has told me all about you.
Dorothy: I wish I could say the same.
Blanche enters the room and can't believe this is the man Rose has been dating. She jokes to Rose that she has set her up to play a joke on her because she was mad that she invited her friend to dinner, and says the little guy is part of the joke.
All evening they feel self-conscious about it all and Dorothy says, instead of 'can I take your hat', 'can I take your height'. Then Blanche comes in with the starters for the meal on a tray and says: Shrimp?..., then heads straight back into the kitchen.
Sophia is away on a trip to visit her grandson at the time, but comes back early and when she sees Dr. Newman, you think she is going to offend him straight away.
Blanche and Dorothy bite their nails as Sophia says: I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but I've just come back from a very long journey and I'm feeling kinda tired. Would you excuse me?
As she heads for her room she says: Dorothy, can I see you for a minute?... That guy over there, is he a midget? Yes. Thank God, I thought I was having another stroke!
Of course Blanche wouldn't be Blanche without saying something about the opposite sex.
Dorothy: You know, that guy has the most positive outlook of anyone I have ever met before.
Blanche: And he's wearing just the cutest little grey suit I have ever seen!
[Two detectives use the Girls' house as a base to catch their new neighbours, the MacDowells, with stolen gems. All the equipment is set up in the kitchen to hear a conversation next door, after the Girls went round for dinner and planted a bug. Rose, wearing a red dress, puts on the headphones to hear what the neighbours are saying]
Rose: They keep talking about 'that noodle head in the red dress'... Could that be code language?
Dorothy: Only to the noodle head in the red dress.
[Blanche and Rose come running out of the kitchen. Sophia is chasing them with a broom]
Dorothy: Calm down, calm down, what's wrong?!
Sophia: These two are driving me crazy! They drink milk off the floor, they scratch the furniture, and this one [pointing at Rose] just coughed up a furball!
Rose: Our director said to prepare for our roles, we must become cats! That's why I've been playing with Sophia's ball of yarn. And Blanche has been making those high pitched screeching sounds in her room at night...
Dorothy: You've been practising for this part for a lifetime, haven't you, Blanche?
[Sophia and Dorothy are in bed together because there is company]
Sophia [coughing]: Dorothy, do you have a cough drop?
Dorothy: No, Ma.
Sophia: A hard candy?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: A throat lozenge?
Dorothy: Does it say K-mart on the back of my night gown?
Sophia: Actually it does, you cheap skate!
Blanche: Oh girls, this is the third night in a row that I've been stood up by Bob!
Dorothy: Really? Three nights? In a row? Three nights. [she starts to laugh] Three nights! Three nights in a row! Ha! Three whole nights! Hahahahah...
Blanche: Shut up, Dorothy! It's not funny!
[When Blanche's brother Clayton comes to visit for the first time]
Blanche: Dorothy has spent many nights watching me go out on dates.
Dorothy: Sometimes I watch her from the kitchen window. It's easier to bay at the moon there.
[Dorothy and Sophia are dressed as Sonny and Cher to practice for the Shady Pines Mother Daughter beauty contest talent portion]
Blanche [entering]: Why, you two look great... you could be celebrity impersonators.
Dorothy: Why thank you, Blanche!
Blanche: Sure... Now which one is Cheech and which one is Chong?
[The Girls are fighting and run to Sophia, who is in her room with Dorothy and Blanche]
Sophia [after a knock at her door]: Sorry, I'm not here right now, but you can leave a message after the beepbeep.
Rose: Hi, this is Rose, I...
Sophia: Rose, get in here!
Rose: Oh, I see you are with two backstabbing ex-friends of mine. I'll just come back later.
Sophia: What do you think this is, the Seven Eleven?! I'm not open all night!
Blanche: Dr. Newman is a guest in our home, if I act uncomfortable he'll feel ill at ease. I can't let that happen, it would be... unsouthern!
Dorothy: That's a good Belle.
[Rose slams the door after a date with Miles]
Blanche: Hello, Rose. Is something wrong?
Rose: Well, yes. It's Miles.
Blanche: What about him?
Rose: I don't know. He's been kind of tight lately, and I hate it.
Blanche: Well, I'm just the opposite, I LOVE a tight man... Tight man with cast iron pecs... thighs that could choke a bear... a butt you could eat breakfast off of. Then the two of us would... [looks over at Rose] ...Rose, when did you get in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight.
Blanche: Oh, I LOVE a tight man... Tight man with cast iron pecs... thighs
Rose: No, tight with money! He's cheap!
Blanche: Tight with money?... DUMP him!
Blanche [visited the doctor]: He said he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Sophia: Everybody's got a nickname for it!
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